Man Things

There are woman things and there are man things. This post is about man things. Reader discretion is advised.

In my 27 years of being, I have experienced a few difficulties that are uniquely male in nature. I will describe two of them below and offer a possible solution to each.

Problem #1 - Mustache Snot

I currently sport a goatee. In fact, as long as I can get away with it (wife and institution of higher learning permitting), I always sport a goatee. It's because I have a double chin and this way I can hide one of them under thick brownish-reddish hair. One problem I have often encountered (especially in the winter), is that when I go to blow my nose, the hair above my upper lip is covered in snot. That's disgusting. Then I have to comb through my mustache hair with tissues in order to de-snot. Usually I then end up with small pieces of tissue all up in my face hair. It's unacceptable.

Solution #1 - Mustache Snot Guard

Let me start off by saying that my grandfather owned a shoe store, so I have an inordinate number of shoe horns around my apartment. Today I was combing my hair in front of the mirror when I felt a huge sneeze coming on. I was nowhere near paper towel, tissue, or toilet paper, so I did what any red-blooded, American, mustached man would do. I grabbed the object closest at hand, a shoe horn, and, holding the wide tapered part against my face, blew snot all over the mirror and sink. When I pulled the shoe horn from my face, I realized to my amazement, that my facial hair hair was completely clean. My mustache was not soaked with gooey nasal fluid. I got off "snot-free!" I just gave the plastic shoe horn a quick rinse, and we were as good as new. (Left the mirror and sink for the wife).

So again, the way this works, is that when you feel a sneeze coming on, you grab your trusty shoe horn and with the ring side down, place the tapered end (opposite the circular ring) against your upper lip, covering your mustache. The contoured end of the shoe horn should almost perfectly mimic the contour of your face. You can then put your thumb through the circular ring, in order to get a good grip. Then let 'er rip! With the other hand, you can hold a tissue (or if you're like me, a paper towel, because you inevitably blow gaping holes in all tissues), so that the snot is contained to the shoe horn and paper. The shoe horn also doubles as a key ring! Never leave home without it!

Problem #2 - Multi-Directional Urination

Now I've already warned you that this post is about man things, so if you are female and still reading this, you may want to take this opportunity to visit a website more aligned with your interests.

Guys - I'm sure you've experienced this - or at least I hope you have, because being the only one afflicted in this manner would be awkward. You know when you have to go #1 and once you've dutifully raised the seat, you begin to relieve yourself only to find that where one stream of urine should be, instead exists a tangled web of pee lines? Inevitably one of those lines will be hitting the floor, or the garbage, or the bottom of the toilet lid, spraying back at you. Then it's a frantic rush to figure out the positioning that will somehow get these three or four different vectors to somehow converge in that basin of water. It's usually an effort made in vain. If I can get two or three streams in the basin, and one in the garbage, I call that victory. There's a bag in it, right?

Solution #2.a - Always Urinate Outdoors

I am a huge proponent of outdoor urination. If I'm outside, and I have to go, and there's grass, or a tree, or a bush... Why not? Assuming I'm not running a marathon, or participating in a parade, usually I'm able to find a little privacy in which to do my business. Then if you're afflicted with splitting streams, who cares? If you're peeing in the snow, split streams can be a cool way to alter the font of your yellow calligraphy. Of course my wife hates the fact that I pee outdoors, but I think she's just jealous.

Solution #2.b - Urinals

Urinals come in handy with the split stream, because you don't need great aim - just hit the curved wall. This is just another reason that every bathroom should have a urinal. Though residential urinals are rare, I predict that they will grow in popularity in the future. Until then, I'll either take my chances aiming my diverging emissions at the toilet basin/garbage, go outside, or use my bathroom's makeshift urinal...

My wife calls it the shower.