Sickness

So baby is sick. He's been coughing a lot the last week, but I assumed he was faking because his coughs sound so ridiculous. Turns out he wasn't faking, and has a cold. His voice gets all raspy when he's sick and he has a smoker's cough. Also, if I'm not fast enough with a tissue, his runny nose will run down to his mouth and he'll end up eating his snot.

Somehow he still is acting very happy and cute. He doesn't let the sickness bother him at all.

Nasty

So yesterday I went out to lunch with a friend and by the end of the lunch hour, baby had pooped. So I took him to the bathroom and changed him on the baby changing table and I assumed we were done with poop for the day.

Well, I was wrong. After dinner last night, wife noticed a familiar odor coming from baby in his Bumbo. We removed him from his seat and saw this:

Notice the discoloration in the otherwise white onesie. That's poop juice. Also, notice the huge bulge at the left. That is also poop. It's so plentiful it's BULGING out from the diaper and underneath the onesie. Nasty.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - The Box

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been five days since my last confession.

Now don't get me wrong, I love baby. He's awesome. From the moment we found out that wife was pregnant, I was convinced that we'd have a boy, and we did, and I couldn't be happier. But sometimes... Sometimes, I just need to get away from him, just for a little while, for the sake of my sanity and his safety.

So I need a place to put him where he'll be happy and where he can't get into trouble, hurt himself, or destroy anything. I've used the crib before, but he doesn't stay happy there for very long. So then I tried the jumper we have:

 

He'll jump in that for a while and then half the time he'll start screaming, half the time he'll fall asleep. Those odds aren't a problem when I just need to set him down for a few minutes, but when nature calls (and I mean really calls), I need a place I can put him where I know he'll be happy for at least 15-20 minutes. I also used to use the Bumbo, but we all know that the Bumbo is no longer an option (especially after he squirmed out of it yesterday and spilled a pitcher of sticky Great Value no-sugar fruit punch all over the table, chairs, floor, and garbage can).

Well I found a new place yesterday:
It's awesome. I can put the empty box anywhere, and set him in it with a few toys, and he's happy forever. And I don't have to worry about him getting into trouble... because he's in a box. What can possibly go wrong with a baby in a box? I mean some people live in boxes, right?

Besides, I read all of the warning labels on the box and not a single one mentions anything about putting a child in the empty box.

Strangers Like Me

"Like" as in "similar to," not as in "appreciate." People I know don't even like me, there's no way strangers do.

So I was on Google the other day and I wondered if this blog had been indexed yet. So I searched for "reflections of a stay-at-home dad" and I found this guy:

http://www.lazyhousehusband.com/

It's a pretty funny blog, but he doesn't post very often. I guess with three kids he's probably a bit busier than I am. "Potty Train Your Toddler In 1 To 3 Days" is classic though. I think I'll try it with baby.

I then searched for: stay-at-home dad blog, without any quotation marks. I found a number of sites:

www.rebeldad.com - This looks like it may have been awesome back in the day, but the more recent posts are not entertaining and way too long to read.

www.sillydad.com - This one is covered with ads. I understand the desire to make money from a blog - it's the ultimate form of lazy. But at some point there are just too many ads to make the blog appealing to look at (and I start hearing Reel Big Fish "Sell Out" whenever I load the page). That's what happened to seriouslysoblessed. Also, this dude has not blogged in over a year.

www.stayathometripletdad.blogspot.com - This blog format is a bit busy, but it's funny. And he posts super often.

http://wwwstayathomedad.blogspot.com/ - This guy is definitely from Great Britain. I suspect that the lazyhousehusband is as well. Why? The use of "Mum" and "Mummy." This guy hasn't blogged since November.

http://piratesandpears.com/Blog/ - Other than not being able to read his blog's title, I like this blog. It's by a guy in Salt Lake that doesn't like Utah (or seems not to). I can appreciate that. Also, he's blogged recently.

Evidently there's a whole online community of us at www.athomedad.org. It features different dad blogs and forums for discussion. Cool. I don't know that I'll spend much time there, but I can see how it would be helpful for some people. My stay-at-home fatherhood is a temporary situation, so I'll take a pass on the support groups.

So did I ever find this blog on Google? Yes, by searching for "confessions of a bad dad" in quotation marks. It's on the first page. I'm sure glad to be defined by that phrase.

Also, to make the blogger domain more memorable (and uniform with the masses of stay-at-home dads), I changed it from svensview to stayathomesven, which you'll already know if you're reading this. So now it's at:

http://stayathomesven.blogspot.com

Future Careers

Baby is obsessed with stealing my laptop power cord and trying to stick it in his mouth. I've decided that he'll either grow up to be a computer programmer, or a convicted felon executed in the electric chair. Or maybe both?

Baby Today (More Poop)

Baby is currently sitting in his Bumbo on the floor watching Law & Order with me. It's OK - I distract him during the bad parts. It had been a day or two since his last poop, so when I smelled something nasty after lunch, I dutifully took him to the back room and changed him. It was dark orange and the consistency of tomato paste, but not very voluminous. Now he's clenching his fists and grunting and his face is all red. I think I may have changed him too soon.

[2 minutes later]

He's falling asleep in his Bumbo. His head is bobbing back and forth. It will slowly fall forward as he dozes off, and then when his chin hits his chest, he'll snap awake for a second. He must be tired after all that grunting. I should put him in his crib.

[5 minutes later]

Oh I had definitely changed him too soon. This time it was a mullet diaper (normal in the front, party in the back). More orange tomato paste that smells awful. The diapers are in a bag hanging on the front door and I can still smell the poop as strongly as if I had wiped it under my nose. Once I changed him, I put him down for a nap.

Speaking of sleep, baby has not been sleeping very well at night lately and last night was no exception. I feel badly for our neighbors in the apartments below and above us, who had to hear him scream for hours last night. Well, not too badly for the upstairs neighbors. She just started her exercise routine and is very noisily jumping around up there (at least I hope that's what it is). If the ceiling squeaks at every footstep, you can imagine how loud jumping is; our light fixtures literally shake. Ah the joys of living in an apartment.

I think the things I'll enjoy most about a house are:
- No neighbors living so close I can hear their every move
- A garage to put stuff that I don't want to keep in my house
- A washer and dryer
- A fridge with an ice maker

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Pillow Fight / Infanticide

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been 1 day since my last confession.

We've been staying at wife's parents' house for the last few days and the place has been crazy busy with people. Last night we had 13 adults and 11 kids sleeping here. Wife and I slept on a random mattress in the family room with baby in the Pack 'n Play next to us.

Well, baby has been absolutely horrible at night lately. He'll wake up screaming at 3:30-4 AM and won't stop for anything. I try to comfort him; wife tries to comfort him, but nothing works, short of putting him in the bed between us. Needless to say, I am not very happy during these little episodes, and I often find myself being less than patient with baby. This has been going on for the last week or so, and last night was no exception.

So last night baby woke up screaming at 3:30, and I got up to calm him. I tucked him in, talked to him, and put his pacifier in. He got quiet for a few minutes, and then freaked out again. I became more annoyed. So I repeated my previous behavior, and he calmed down for a few minutes. So I got back on the mattress, hoping to get back to sleep. Well I think I may have dozed off, because the next thing I knew, the baby was wailing at full volume, and I was off the mattress, kneeling next to the Pack 'n Play repeatedly hitting it hard with my pillow. Wife woke up and stopped me and yelled "what are you doing?"

"Trying to make the noise stop."

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Inclement Weather

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been nine days since my last confession.

I often take baby outside, and when I do, I don't always bundle him up.

A few months ago there was a freak hail storm in the town where we live. Baby and I happened to be walking to the grocery store when the storm started. I had him strapped to my chest in the baby carrier, and we didn't have an umbrella or anything to keep him dry. As we walked, at least three people in cars stopped to ask us if we needed a ride - but I politely declined. By the time we got to the store, baby had a helmet of hail - but the awesome thing is that he didn't seem to mind. As we walked around town, he kept curiously looking up at the sky, as if he were wondering why small icy parts of it were falling on his head. The thunder and lightning didn't even bother him.

I was reminded of that little adventure as we attended wife's brother's wedding yesterday. At one point baby and I became restless cooped up in the little waiting room, so it was decided between us that we'd go outside and wait. It wasn't that cold (maybe 39 degrees) and the sun was peeking through every so often. Now don't get me wrong - the kid wasn't naked. He was wearing a onesie, pants, two shirts, socks, AND I had him wrapped in a blanket. He wasn't acting cold at all - he was enjoying the outdoors. So we're sitting on a bench minding our own business when this old lady walks up to us and tells me to "put a hat on him." I ignore her, as I do to most old crazy women, but she didn't give up. She repeated her advice/reprimand a few more times until she figured out that I was going to pay her no heed. I counted my stubborn unwillingness to listen to my elders as a small victory.

A victory immediately negated when wife came outside and immediately put a hat on baby.

Pooooop!!!

"Pooooooop!!!" (Said in a Hispanic soccer announcer's voice).

Today at 1:15 PM, right at the end of wife's brother's wedding luncheon. A lot of thick dark orange poop. Once the poopage was confirmed, I passed baby off to the wife, who changed the diaper.

After 4 days though, there may be aftershocks looming - we'll keep our eyes, ears, and noses open.

Still No Poop

It's 10:30 PM and still no poop. Wife is home, so I'm not alone in this - though I am usually the one to get the baby in the night or to bring him to bed for his morning feeding. Wife's brother is getting married tomorrow at 9 and wife's other brother is watching the baby during the wedding. So maybe if we're lucky, baby will unload between 9 and 9:30 tomorrow morning.

Here's hoping...

No Poop

Baby has not pooped in three days. Do you know how frightening that is? We've been feeding him carrots, oatmeal, and milk, and nothing for three days. Now don't get me wrong - I am not concerned at all for the health of the child - I'm scared to death about the nature of this next poop.

Last night the wife and I passed the kid between us like a hot potato. It's like musical chairs, and neither of us want to be left holding the kid when the music stops. Now the wife is at work, and I've got him until 4 when she gets home... I think I'm going to lose this round.

There are things that can be done to minimize the wreckage though, and I'm doing my best to be ready for it. The sooner you catch it, the less the mess.

So now as I work on my computer, I literally jump out of my seat at any bowel sound. I am checking his diaper at any suspect scents (which are all too prevalent now that we smell the same), and anytime he squishes up his face and grunts, I am on alert.

I have the changing area set up for the worst possible scenario. I've got a change of clothes, extra wipes, plastic bags, and a clothespin at the ready. Wish me luck - I'll keep you informed.

Crawling

So I went back east on Monday (escaping Valentine's with the wife), and came back last night. Quick trip. 14 hours of traveling for 24 hours on the ground. Totally worth it.

I wasn't gone very long - but in the time that I was gone, baby started crawling. Yep. Before I left, baby's movement was limited to rolling around and doing a backwards scoot. In the 40 hours I was gone, he learned to crawl. Now it's not a very impressive crawl, but it's effective. He gets up on his hands and pull his knees up to his chest really quickly, moving forward a few inches. Then he repeats over and over. He also has a hump-the-ground version where he starts on his hands and knees and thrusts his hips forward and down, moving a little forward. Then back up on his hands and knees, and more humping.

It's not traditional crawling, but it's something. And at least I'm telling you like it is - I'm not one of those moms that blogs that her kid is doing an "army crawl" when in fact, the kid is doing nothing of the sort. I've seen Forrest Gump; I am obviously well-informed. If our soldiers crawled like your kid - they'd never get anywhere, their mouths would be full of dirt, and the enemy would have shot off their hindquarters.

Airports

What's up with homeless people in airports?

You're walking through the terminal to your gate, and you notice a somewhat disheveled individual with that smell, the ratty hair, and the absent look in their eyes... And you think - Where are they going? And, more importantly, how did they get in here?

It takes two things to get past security into the boarding area of airports these days - a ticket, and an I.D. Tickets cost money and since the homeless, by definition, do not have enough money to provide shelter for themselves - it seems as though air travel should be pretty a low priority on their shopping list (behind soap, a comb, and a dental appointment). But even if they collected enough for the airfare, do the homeless carry government-issued identification cards? I guess they must.

At least it explains the shopping cart I saw in the airport economy parking lot.

Ward Choir

Think about every sports movie you've ever seen. When the team is not playing up to its potential, the coach always has the players work on fundamentals. Basketball players dribbling and passing, football players running drills and sprints, and baseball players fielding grounders and hitting batting practice. Every time.

Good choirs do the same thing. They work on scales, vowel sounds and tuning chords until they have the sound they are looking for before they apply it to the music they are going to learn. Ward choirs never, ever do this. Why is it that every ward choir director feels that it is his/her calling to perform the most complicated arrangements to the most random songs in all Christendom? I would rather hear "The Spirit of God" straight from the hymnal sung in tempo and on pitch, than "This is the Christ" or "O, Divine Redeemer" or "His Hands" or any other over-sung Mormon tune. Let's get back to the basics, people.

Smells

So I've heard (never experienced personally) that when two women spend a lot of time together (roommates, best friends...), they can sometimes get on the same cycle. That's all I'm going to say about that.

Baby and I have experienced a similar phenomenon. It turns out that we emit similar odors. We don't eat the same foods, though wife and I eat the same foods, and I guess technically some of what wife eats, baby eventually eats. But then you'd expect wife and baby to emit similar odors. And they definitely do not.

Besides, baby eats a lot of nasty baby foods that I do not eat (anymore). So why are our smells similar? It must be that we spend so much time together.

I'm not complaining though, this has come in quite handy on many occasions. When wife and I sit down to watch TV, and then she sniffs around and wrinkles her nose and gives me that look... I can blame it on baby.

More Pet Peeves

As long as we're talking about pet peeves (and I guess we are), I've got two more:

1 - If you are filling up your water bottle at the drinking fountain and there are two fountains of different heights (the normal one, and the short one), PLEASE use the short one. It's much more likely that the person behind you is of normal stature than that he is a midget/child/wheel chair dude. That's just common courtesy.

2 - After boarding a plane when putting your carry-on baggage in the overhead bin, please put it in with the wheels facing you, or away from you - NOT to the right or left. When you stow your bag in this manner, it leaves room for the rest of us. Stowing your bag otherwise is the air travel equivalent of taking up two parking spaces with your car, which basically makes you a douche.

Pet Peeve

When music that I like is on the radio, I always enjoy listening to it more than if I had just put in the CD. Probably for two reasons. 1 -It's always cool that of all the songs that could be playing, they are playing one that I like (especially since I don't listen to the radio all that often). 2 - It's validation that I'm not the only person that likes that song, that it's popular enough for the masses.

Don't you hate it when your spouse's/boyfriend's/girlfriend's/partner's alarm goes off in the morning and it's playing one of your songs, and before you get the chance to enjoy even a little of it, the aforementioned bedtime buddy turns it off and goes back to sleep?

That's happened to me twice this week with the same song - Animal by Neon Trees. Now I've listened to it on my computer since, but it's not the same as listening to it in the comfort of my bed with it randomly coming on the radio. So I think I'm going to put it on my iPod and if it comes on again, and she turns off her alarm, I'm going to blast it on our bedroom speakers. That'll show her.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Warning Labels

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been five days since my last confession.

Baby products have lots of warning labels on them - more labels than I've noticed on any other consumer product, except maybe Accutane.

I guess it's a good thing my acne-ridden brother never got a girl pregnant in high school, his kid would have looked like an alien.

So anyways, we've got a number of baby products here with all sorts of fun warnings on them - which I categorically ignore. Such as:

Bumbo

Warnings (they were all in all caps):

"NEVER USE ON A RAISED SURFACE" - Do tables count?
"NEVER USE AS A CAR SEAT OR BATH SEAT" - What about a seat in the bath?
"NEVER LEAVE YOUR BABY UNATTENDED AS THE SEAT IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE TOTALLY RESTRICTIVE AND MAY NOT PREVENT RELEASE OF YOUR BABY IN THE EVENT OF VIGOROUS MOVEMENT" - Yeah... Learned that one the hard way.

Boppy

Warnings:
"Read before each use" - Yeah right. It's a freaking pillow, not the launch sequence for a missile.
"Never, ever allow baby to fall asleep on the Boppy pillow" - Seriously? That's the whole point.
"Do not use for sleeping" - Again, seriously? If they didn't want him to sleep on it, why make it so darn comfortable?
"Do not use in crib, cradle, bassinet, playpen, play yard or bed" - Yeah, who would want to use a pillow on a bed?
"Use only on floor" - I guess that's the only place left to use it... that or a table
"Do not leave baby unattended" - The entire point of the baby napping is so that you can finally leave him unattended. Dads need to poo, too.

Car Seat
 
 

Warnings:
"NEVER leave child in carrier when straps are loose or undone" - Then how can we play our favorite game? Sit-the-baby-in-the-seat-and-see-how-long-it-takes-him-to-climb/fall-out is fun for everyone.
"Always stay within arms reach whenever carrier is not on floor/ground" - Like, in the car? This seems to openly conflict with the warning not to put the child in the front seat. I can't reach him if he's in the back...
"Never leave child unattended" - Again with this? My only moments of sanity are when he's unattended. I love unattending him.

Man Things

There are woman things and there are man things. This post is about man things. Reader discretion is advised.

In my 27 years of being, I have experienced a few difficulties that are uniquely male in nature. I will describe two of them below and offer a possible solution to each.

Problem #1 - Mustache Snot

I currently sport a goatee. In fact, as long as I can get away with it (wife and institution of higher learning permitting), I always sport a goatee. It's because I have a double chin and this way I can hide one of them under thick brownish-reddish hair. One problem I have often encountered (especially in the winter), is that when I go to blow my nose, the hair above my upper lip is covered in snot. That's disgusting. Then I have to comb through my mustache hair with tissues in order to de-snot. Usually I then end up with small pieces of tissue all up in my face hair. It's unacceptable.

Solution #1 - Mustache Snot Guard

Let me start off by saying that my grandfather owned a shoe store, so I have an inordinate number of shoe horns around my apartment. Today I was combing my hair in front of the mirror when I felt a huge sneeze coming on. I was nowhere near paper towel, tissue, or toilet paper, so I did what any red-blooded, American, mustached man would do. I grabbed the object closest at hand, a shoe horn, and, holding the wide tapered part against my face, blew snot all over the mirror and sink. When I pulled the shoe horn from my face, I realized to my amazement, that my facial hair hair was completely clean. My mustache was not soaked with gooey nasal fluid. I got off "snot-free!" I just gave the plastic shoe horn a quick rinse, and we were as good as new. (Left the mirror and sink for the wife).

So again, the way this works, is that when you feel a sneeze coming on, you grab your trusty shoe horn and with the ring side down, place the tapered end (opposite the circular ring) against your upper lip, covering your mustache. The contoured end of the shoe horn should almost perfectly mimic the contour of your face. You can then put your thumb through the circular ring, in order to get a good grip. Then let 'er rip! With the other hand, you can hold a tissue (or if you're like me, a paper towel, because you inevitably blow gaping holes in all tissues), so that the snot is contained to the shoe horn and paper. The shoe horn also doubles as a key ring! Never leave home without it!

Problem #2 - Multi-Directional Urination

Now I've already warned you that this post is about man things, so if you are female and still reading this, you may want to take this opportunity to visit a website more aligned with your interests.

Guys - I'm sure you've experienced this - or at least I hope you have, because being the only one afflicted in this manner would be awkward. You know when you have to go #1 and once you've dutifully raised the seat, you begin to relieve yourself only to find that where one stream of urine should be, instead exists a tangled web of pee lines? Inevitably one of those lines will be hitting the floor, or the garbage, or the bottom of the toilet lid, spraying back at you. Then it's a frantic rush to figure out the positioning that will somehow get these three or four different vectors to somehow converge in that basin of water. It's usually an effort made in vain. If I can get two or three streams in the basin, and one in the garbage, I call that victory. There's a bag in it, right?

Solution #2.a - Always Urinate Outdoors

I am a huge proponent of outdoor urination. If I'm outside, and I have to go, and there's grass, or a tree, or a bush... Why not? Assuming I'm not running a marathon, or participating in a parade, usually I'm able to find a little privacy in which to do my business. Then if you're afflicted with splitting streams, who cares? If you're peeing in the snow, split streams can be a cool way to alter the font of your yellow calligraphy. Of course my wife hates the fact that I pee outdoors, but I think she's just jealous.

Solution #2.b - Urinals

Urinals come in handy with the split stream, because you don't need great aim - just hit the curved wall. This is just another reason that every bathroom should have a urinal. Though residential urinals are rare, I predict that they will grow in popularity in the future. Until then, I'll either take my chances aiming my diverging emissions at the toilet basin/garbage, go outside, or use my bathroom's makeshift urinal...

My wife calls it the shower.

The Menu

Well it's another Monday, which means it's time to create and post the menu for the week. I've prayed hard about this one. Here's what we'll be eating:


Monday
Farfalle pasta with chicken, Caesar salad, garlic pull-aparts

Tuesday
Philly cheese steak (smoked Gouda, peppers, onions, mushrooms), potato & asparagus

Wednesday
Coconut shrimp, pina colada dipping sauce, Zupa's pina colada salad, flan

Thursday
Chicken cordon bleu on rice, vegetables

Friday
Dinner with the in-laws

Saturday
Melting Pot late lunch with the wife

Baby Food

So today while I was feeding the baby yellow squash, I got to thinking about baby food. It's just like normal human food, but smaller, right? I mean my wife loves rice cereal still, and will eat it any chance she gets.

Now that seems pretty weird to me, but I guess I can't make fun of her too much when I myself enjoy a good meat stick now and then. Seriously - I often find these jars in my Christmas stockings.

So if the wife enjoys rice cereal, and I enjoy meat sticks... how bad can yellow squash be?

Really bad.

It's like eating thick yellow water. It barely tastes like anything, but what little something there is, is no good. I guess this kid doesn't know any better. No wonder they don't let us feed him chocolate or BBQ for a while, he'd never eat vegetables again.

Also, in the time it took me to write this post, baby pulled the power cord out of my wife's laptop and put it in his mouth again. He's screaming and he stinks. Is it possible that electric stimulation might trigger defecation? Perhaps a scientific study is in my future.

Crossword #1

I like crossword puzzles. A few years ago I decided to try my hand at making them. I've made a few and submitted them to a couple newspapers for publication (NY Times & LA Times), but so far no luck getting them published. Since no one wants them, I'm going to start putting them up on this blog, so that any of my many readers can complete them at their leisure. Good luck!

Crossword #1

Across:
1. Org. that awards 39-across
6. How a CD-ROM works
10. Water from the sky
14. _____ Doone shortbread cookie
15. Burkina Faso’s neighbor
16. Within
17. Craggy
18. A thumbs-up might save his life
20. Adam’s foe?
22. Book after Joel
23. Noisy notes
31. ___ it ain’t so
32. Those that study capacitors
33. Indian outfit
34. Wonder
35. Nest-egg?
36. Post-marathon condition
39. Won by 17, 18, 23, 51, 59, 64, 71-across
42. Caverns
44. Summer in Paris
45. A lift in a set
48. A soft, white mineral
49. Sony on the NYSE
50. Heston’s org.
51. At the beach
57. An avatar of Vishnu
58. Johannesburg carrier?
59. 1977 Woody Allen film
64. 1996 Dave Matthews Band album
68. When the sun is at its apex
69. Norwegian capitol
70. Spooky
71. 1958 Lerner-Loewe musical
72. Mountain between Olympus and Pelion
73. Snares

Down:
1. Atty’s research tool
2. Heard in a pasture
3. The Middle Kingdom, formally and for short
4. His “Puppy Love” 1960 ballad
5. If you ____ ____
6. “No Way!” In a txt
7. Greens
8. “Remember the _____”
9. To dispose of something, with “get”
10. Acct’s research tool
11. Social insect
12. OJ judge
13. Neither’s partner
19. A doctrine or belief
21. A Spanish port
23. Metal detectors?
24. Hem’s partner
25. A screw with a loop
26. Low tides
27. Druggie
28. WWII battle in Italy
29. Anger
30. Marlboro for short?
35. Suffix with “chem” and “special”
36. Locale
37. Bank dwellers
38. Street in Marseilles
40. Engrave
41. “We’re number ___” in Rome
42. “Little ____” Beach Boys song
43. Hurried away
46. Sea eagle
47. A kicker’s point
49. Found in a bathroom
52. Before
53. Yippee!
54. Collect
55. Aspect
56. More precious
59. Director Lee
60. “Yes you did!” Response: “__ _ didn’t!”
61. Holiday drink
62. Turns “pan” into a sandwich
63. A sabbatical, for short
65. Legendary Notre Dame coach, to his friends
66. A small taste
67. ___ and shes

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Electrocution

Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned. It's been two days since my last confession.

To borrow a line from the great Jerry Seinfeld - Electrocute is "another word that's kind of strange when you break it down. Electro-cute. What's cute about it?"

Nothing, trust me.

The other day wife and I were in our usual positions - sitting on the couch, watching TV, using our laptops. Baby was playing on the floor and pulled the laptop power cord from my wife's computer. We didn't notice that he was playing with it until he started screaming. Turns out if you put the metal tip in your mouth, you get electrocuted. He screamed for a while, and finally calmed down.

Well, being the awesome father that I am, I felt it was important to determine the extent of my son's pain and injury in the most scientific way possible.

I licked it.

Now licking just the outside of the metal tip isn't enough. In order to successfully electrocute yourself, you need to get some of your tongue up into the hollow of the tip so that you are touching both contacts with your mouth at the same time.

It hurts.

The AC adapter turns the 120 volt current from the wall into a mere 19 volts by the time it reaches your computer (or mouth), so it doesn't hurt as bad as licking into wall outlet would (if that were possible). Imagine the feeling you get from licking both poles of a 9 volt battery (you know you've tried it). It's like that times two, plus one. Luckily the pain subsides rather quickly, so both baby and I are OK.

The Super Bowl

I enjoy watching the Super Bowl each year. Wife doesn't think it's a "Sunday appropriate" activity, which is ironic considering her father once witnessed its splendor in person. Of course her father now says that it was a poor choice that he wouldn't make again - which is probably easy to say once you've had to opportunity to attend, but I digress...

Wife can't understand why I want to watch the Super Bowl when I generally don't watch and/or follow NFL football throughout the regular season (I'm more of a NCAA football guy). I don't really see her point. We both enjoy watching the Olympics when neither of us watch figure skating in the off-season(s). We're not avid bobsled or luge fans, except every four years. She used the same reasoning when she didn't understand why I wanted to watch the World Cup.

It's not about following a team or sport all the way through the regular season to the finals. It's about participating in a cultural experience. It's about watching something that 100 million other people (1/3 of the US population) are watching at the same time. It's about watching athletes perform at the top of their game. It's about commercials and food. It's about recalling the best and worst plays with friends days and weeks later.

Earlier in our marriage, when Super Bowl Sunday came around, I'd do my best to feed her turkey and convince her to take a Sunday afternoon nap with me. As soon as she fell asleep, I'd tiptoe out to the TV and watch the game. Last year I went to a friend's house and watched it there. This year I'm planning a little party with some guys from church. The party will not be at my apartment (obviously), which is a shame since we've got a nice 47" TV, but I'm sure it will be awesome.

Until I come home.

Infanticide

1:08 AM - Baby wakes up crying. My initial thought: infanticide. Second thought: turn off the monitor and go back to bed.

Doctor has told us not to go in and comfort him until he's been crying for at least 20 minutes. We live in an apartment though - there are people in the room next to him trying to sleep (I'd assume). So I give it 5 minutes and go put the pacifier in, tuck him in, and leave. He's asleep a few minutes later. Relatively painless tonight.

I can't wait until we live in a house. When baby wakes up, I will do NOTHING. I'll reach over and turn off the monitor and smile a creepy Tim Curry in Home Alone 2 smile, and I'll go back to sleep.

Also - this morning baby and I were playing in the bed after wife left for work. I am on my back and baby is on his stomach on my stomach playing with my goatee. He's smiling and cute and it's one of those moments that make you glad to be a dad. Then he spit up partially digested breast milk all over my face. Some got in my mouth.

Infanticide.

Live Journal

I once had a Live Journal account that I wrote in rather regularly throughout my senior year of high school. A recent viewing of The Social Network inspired me to go back to my Live Journal and read all my posts. I would not recommend this to anyone.


So I sent my wife the link to my Live Journal and she's been reading it the last few days. In one of the posts, I purposefully ruin A Beautiful Mind for all (both) of my readers. Wife just read that post... and yelled at me. Apparently she hasn't seen that movie yet.


Isn't there some sort of statute of limitations on that kind of thing? I don't think the wife is allowed to be mad at me for something I did three years before we met.


I am really tempted to post the link to my Live Journal account on this blog, but I'm not sure that I want you to know that much about me.

Things I Hear

From the other room where wife is changing baby:

"His poop is so nasty and so plentiful."

"Oh no, he's getting his hands near it."

"Ahhh, he's got it on his hands and I can't do anything. I have no hands!"

"Help me!"

"Seriously, help me. You are so useless."

"How do you make such nastiness?"

Dinner

Decided on pizza for dinner. Used Emeril's NY Style Thin Crust recipe. Made half the dough into bread sticks and made the other half into a pizza with bbq sauce, mozzarella, steak, and caramelized onions. It was pretty good.

Confessions of a Bad Dad

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.

1. Sometimes I listen to music with profane lyrics with baby in the room. I generally don't enjoy that type of music, but most days I rock Pandora, so I get what I get. And I know about the option to disallow explicit lyrics on Pandora, I'm just not that guy.

2. Baby and I usually eat lunch together around 1 PM. Today one of the tenants of the apartment complex we manage knocked on my door during lunch to say that she had locked herself out. So I went to let her in to her apartment, leaving baby in his Bumbo on the kitchen table. Now up to this point he has never escaped from said Bumbo. But when I came back, he had escaped and was on his hands and knees on the table, inches from plummeting to certain death.

My bad.

Nipples

We have a number of different bottles for baby. The other day the wife was doing the dishes and was cleaning various bottles and baby items. She commented, "I don't know how you always know which nipple to use with each bottle, there are so many."

I said, "Dear, if there's one thing I know... it's nipples."

The Menu

I'm waiting for a large file to download for work, so I'll blog.

Since I'm home all day, I have taken it upon myself to fix dinners for the family so that wife doesn't have to worry about it when she gets home from work. This week has been:

Monday - Tempura (shrimp, potato, zucchini, onion)
Tuesday - Steaks, garlic mashed potatoes, sesame green beans
Wednesday - Quesadillas (steak, caramelized onions, swiss or sharp cheddar), green pepper & tomato salad

Tomorrow night (Friday) we're going out for dinner, so I just need to come up with something for tonight. I've still got some steak, caramelized onions, and mashed potatoes left over. I'm thinking maybe pizza tonight, but it gets the kitchen so dirty...

Baby Poop

Usually the baby poops around 4 or 5 and I wait for the wife to come home and change him (because I am dutifully preparing dinner). But today as I was working on my computer, I noticed that the baby STANK and I did a little check. Yup. Thick green poop leaking out the leg-hole of the diaper. It had the consistency of Indian saag and smelled absolutely horrible.

Upon opening the diaper, I was unable to locate the child's manhood because it was covered in said saag. It was a 6-wipe poop. That's saying something. Usually his poops require 2-3 wipes. So I took care of it and put the diaper in an empty grocery bag on our door, ready to be taken out. But I still smell the poop as if it were right next to me. I've checked my hands and clothes and baby's clothes - no visible poop. Guess I need to take the trash out.

His saag poop is only a recent development. It used to be light brown, like a tan color (think light brown M&Ms, if you can remember back then). It was also crazy runny and would ALWAYS explode out the back of the diaper (especially in church), but it didn't smell that bad. Now it's this crazy saag-like paste that stinks so bad you want to kill yourself for being in the same room as it. I guess the difference is the recent addition of green beans and oatmeal to his diet. Green beans obviously provide the color, while the oatmeal provides the texture. I miss the days when all he ate was breast milk.

Now baby is fed and napping and I'm back to work. I need to come up with an idea for dinner.