Confessions of a Bad Dad - Sunburn

Forgive me Blogger, I have sinned. It's been 27 days since my last confession.

We've spent the last three days down in Ephraim, UT for the wife's work conference. There's not much to do down there - especially when the hotel's cable and internet go out due to overuse since the hotel is not often full. So to pass the time I took baby to the local playground, where we were joined by the Desperate Housewives of Sanpete County. Twelve young Mormon mommies with their kids (with names like Stockton, Miranda, and 3 Brinleys) hung out at the park with baby and me. I probably looked like a homeless bum with my beard and crazy hair, but at least I had a kid with me. Without baby I definitely would have been arrested for being a creep.

So while we were at the park, I heard one of the moms telling her kid to put on sunscreen and I had a fleeting thought that I should have put some on baby. But we were only out there a few hours and I never burn after only a few hours.

Turns out that babies are different than big people and their skin burns faster. Who knew? Now baby is very pink and mommy is mad.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Sickness

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been 29 days since my last confession. But then again you, Blogger, were broken all day yesterday, so it's not like you're perfect either.

My baby is sick and I love it. Does that make me a horrible father?

I noticed on Wednesday that baby was sleeping for abnormally lengthy amounts of time. Then he slept through the night Wednesday night without a problem and when he woke up yesterday morning, he was warm to the touch. So I took his temperature (which is no easy feat with a baby who won't sit still - especially since I refuse to do the rectal thing - it's an 'out' hole). It was 100.8 degrees, so I called the doctor. The nurse said to bring him in (of course she did - more money for them), and the doctor said to give him fluids and let him sleep.

So he slept all day yesterday and all morning today. It's beautiful to have a baby that sleeps during the day. For a brief moment last night, I forgot that we even had a kid. How awesome is that?

He just woke up and is no longer warm. He seems to have his appetite and rambunctious demeanor back, so I guess that's the end of that. It sure was nice while it lasted...

Confessions of a Bad Dad - The Bed

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been 1 day since my last confession.

As I've mentioned before, we do not get baby out of bed until 6 in the morning for his breakfast feeding. Then he usually falls asleep between us in bed, and wakes up anytime between 8 and 10. By then the wife is at work and I'm usually out on the couch doing work, so neither of us are aware of the exact moment he wakes up. Usually he'll make some noise that I'll hear, and I'll go in and get him. Recently though, he's found a new way to get my attention. He rolls/crawls/jumps off the bed, hits the floor, and starts screaming.

This happened last weekend and again this morning. He seems to be alright again - all of his limbs are functioning, there are no visible bruises, and only one scratch.

Maybe we should figure out a better system.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Rock Band

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been 7 days since my last confession.

My brother is staying with us for a month or so until he can get into his apartment. He's been out of the country for two years, so today I had the opportunity to introduce him to Rock Band.

He played bass and I played guitar and sang. Needless to say, I didn't have a spare eye or hand to keep on baby. At the end of our 5 song set, I found him crawling around the kitchen. He was much too quiet so I stuck my hand in his mouth and pulled out a rock. I have no idea where it came from.

At this point my parents would make a corny joke about the baby just wanting to rock while my brother and I were rocking Rock Band.

Confessions of a Bad Uncle

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been 26 days since my last confession.

I love being an uncle. My wife has like 12 siblings, and a bunch of them have kids, so when we got married, I gained instant "uncle" status.

Being an uncle is great because you get to hang out and have fun with kids without having any responsibility over them. You can teach them fun/dangerous games and say crazy things, and you're not the one that has to deal with the results at the end of the day.

The other day I taught one of my nephews the phrase, "Go poop on yourself." He then repeated it over and over again to his siblings. It was hilarious. I can't wait to see what happens when he says it to his mom or dad.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - The Box

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been five days since my last confession.

Now don't get me wrong, I love baby. He's awesome. From the moment we found out that wife was pregnant, I was convinced that we'd have a boy, and we did, and I couldn't be happier. But sometimes... Sometimes, I just need to get away from him, just for a little while, for the sake of my sanity and his safety.

So I need a place to put him where he'll be happy and where he can't get into trouble, hurt himself, or destroy anything. I've used the crib before, but he doesn't stay happy there for very long. So then I tried the jumper we have:

 

He'll jump in that for a while and then half the time he'll start screaming, half the time he'll fall asleep. Those odds aren't a problem when I just need to set him down for a few minutes, but when nature calls (and I mean really calls), I need a place I can put him where I know he'll be happy for at least 15-20 minutes. I also used to use the Bumbo, but we all know that the Bumbo is no longer an option (especially after he squirmed out of it yesterday and spilled a pitcher of sticky Great Value no-sugar fruit punch all over the table, chairs, floor, and garbage can).

Well I found a new place yesterday:
It's awesome. I can put the empty box anywhere, and set him in it with a few toys, and he's happy forever. And I don't have to worry about him getting into trouble... because he's in a box. What can possibly go wrong with a baby in a box? I mean some people live in boxes, right?

Besides, I read all of the warning labels on the box and not a single one mentions anything about putting a child in the empty box.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Pillow Fight / Infanticide

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been 1 day since my last confession.

We've been staying at wife's parents' house for the last few days and the place has been crazy busy with people. Last night we had 13 adults and 11 kids sleeping here. Wife and I slept on a random mattress in the family room with baby in the Pack 'n Play next to us.

Well, baby has been absolutely horrible at night lately. He'll wake up screaming at 3:30-4 AM and won't stop for anything. I try to comfort him; wife tries to comfort him, but nothing works, short of putting him in the bed between us. Needless to say, I am not very happy during these little episodes, and I often find myself being less than patient with baby. This has been going on for the last week or so, and last night was no exception.

So last night baby woke up screaming at 3:30, and I got up to calm him. I tucked him in, talked to him, and put his pacifier in. He got quiet for a few minutes, and then freaked out again. I became more annoyed. So I repeated my previous behavior, and he calmed down for a few minutes. So I got back on the mattress, hoping to get back to sleep. Well I think I may have dozed off, because the next thing I knew, the baby was wailing at full volume, and I was off the mattress, kneeling next to the Pack 'n Play repeatedly hitting it hard with my pillow. Wife woke up and stopped me and yelled "what are you doing?"

"Trying to make the noise stop."

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Inclement Weather

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been nine days since my last confession.

I often take baby outside, and when I do, I don't always bundle him up.

A few months ago there was a freak hail storm in the town where we live. Baby and I happened to be walking to the grocery store when the storm started. I had him strapped to my chest in the baby carrier, and we didn't have an umbrella or anything to keep him dry. As we walked, at least three people in cars stopped to ask us if we needed a ride - but I politely declined. By the time we got to the store, baby had a helmet of hail - but the awesome thing is that he didn't seem to mind. As we walked around town, he kept curiously looking up at the sky, as if he were wondering why small icy parts of it were falling on his head. The thunder and lightning didn't even bother him.

I was reminded of that little adventure as we attended wife's brother's wedding yesterday. At one point baby and I became restless cooped up in the little waiting room, so it was decided between us that we'd go outside and wait. It wasn't that cold (maybe 39 degrees) and the sun was peeking through every so often. Now don't get me wrong - the kid wasn't naked. He was wearing a onesie, pants, two shirts, socks, AND I had him wrapped in a blanket. He wasn't acting cold at all - he was enjoying the outdoors. So we're sitting on a bench minding our own business when this old lady walks up to us and tells me to "put a hat on him." I ignore her, as I do to most old crazy women, but she didn't give up. She repeated her advice/reprimand a few more times until she figured out that I was going to pay her no heed. I counted my stubborn unwillingness to listen to my elders as a small victory.

A victory immediately negated when wife came outside and immediately put a hat on baby.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Warning Labels

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. It's been five days since my last confession.

Baby products have lots of warning labels on them - more labels than I've noticed on any other consumer product, except maybe Accutane.

I guess it's a good thing my acne-ridden brother never got a girl pregnant in high school, his kid would have looked like an alien.

So anyways, we've got a number of baby products here with all sorts of fun warnings on them - which I categorically ignore. Such as:

Bumbo

Warnings (they were all in all caps):

"NEVER USE ON A RAISED SURFACE" - Do tables count?
"NEVER USE AS A CAR SEAT OR BATH SEAT" - What about a seat in the bath?
"NEVER LEAVE YOUR BABY UNATTENDED AS THE SEAT IS NOT DESIGNED TO BE TOTALLY RESTRICTIVE AND MAY NOT PREVENT RELEASE OF YOUR BABY IN THE EVENT OF VIGOROUS MOVEMENT" - Yeah... Learned that one the hard way.

Boppy

Warnings:
"Read before each use" - Yeah right. It's a freaking pillow, not the launch sequence for a missile.
"Never, ever allow baby to fall asleep on the Boppy pillow" - Seriously? That's the whole point.
"Do not use for sleeping" - Again, seriously? If they didn't want him to sleep on it, why make it so darn comfortable?
"Do not use in crib, cradle, bassinet, playpen, play yard or bed" - Yeah, who would want to use a pillow on a bed?
"Use only on floor" - I guess that's the only place left to use it... that or a table
"Do not leave baby unattended" - The entire point of the baby napping is so that you can finally leave him unattended. Dads need to poo, too.

Car Seat
 
 

Warnings:
"NEVER leave child in carrier when straps are loose or undone" - Then how can we play our favorite game? Sit-the-baby-in-the-seat-and-see-how-long-it-takes-him-to-climb/fall-out is fun for everyone.
"Always stay within arms reach whenever carrier is not on floor/ground" - Like, in the car? This seems to openly conflict with the warning not to put the child in the front seat. I can't reach him if he's in the back...
"Never leave child unattended" - Again with this? My only moments of sanity are when he's unattended. I love unattending him.

Confessions of a Bad Dad - Electrocution

Forgive me Blogger for I have sinned. It's been two days since my last confession.

To borrow a line from the great Jerry Seinfeld - Electrocute is "another word that's kind of strange when you break it down. Electro-cute. What's cute about it?"

Nothing, trust me.

The other day wife and I were in our usual positions - sitting on the couch, watching TV, using our laptops. Baby was playing on the floor and pulled the laptop power cord from my wife's computer. We didn't notice that he was playing with it until he started screaming. Turns out if you put the metal tip in your mouth, you get electrocuted. He screamed for a while, and finally calmed down.

Well, being the awesome father that I am, I felt it was important to determine the extent of my son's pain and injury in the most scientific way possible.

I licked it.

Now licking just the outside of the metal tip isn't enough. In order to successfully electrocute yourself, you need to get some of your tongue up into the hollow of the tip so that you are touching both contacts with your mouth at the same time.

It hurts.

The AC adapter turns the 120 volt current from the wall into a mere 19 volts by the time it reaches your computer (or mouth), so it doesn't hurt as bad as licking into wall outlet would (if that were possible). Imagine the feeling you get from licking both poles of a 9 volt battery (you know you've tried it). It's like that times two, plus one. Luckily the pain subsides rather quickly, so both baby and I are OK.

Confessions of a Bad Dad

Forgive me Blogger, for I have sinned. This is my first confession.

1. Sometimes I listen to music with profane lyrics with baby in the room. I generally don't enjoy that type of music, but most days I rock Pandora, so I get what I get. And I know about the option to disallow explicit lyrics on Pandora, I'm just not that guy.

2. Baby and I usually eat lunch together around 1 PM. Today one of the tenants of the apartment complex we manage knocked on my door during lunch to say that she had locked herself out. So I went to let her in to her apartment, leaving baby in his Bumbo on the kitchen table. Now up to this point he has never escaped from said Bumbo. But when I came back, he had escaped and was on his hands and knees on the table, inches from plummeting to certain death.

My bad.