Behind the Curtain

I saw one of those Native American whistle blowers on the Subway the other day:

Not to be confused with a whistleblower:

Turns out that "whistle" is actually called a "Pan Flute" according to my omniscient wife.

So as I was walking through the Grand Central subway station, I saw this Native American guy "playing" his pan flute and using a microphone to amplify the sound. He was accompanied by background music from a speaker next to him. There was a break in his "playing" as the background music continued and he turned to talk to someone next to him and before he could resume "playing," the pan flute's sound came through the recording above the background music. He looked up and quickly stopped the iPod.

HE DOESN'T PLAY THE PAN FLUTE!

He's an Indian Milli Vanilli. He holds the flute, pretends to play, and collects tips.

Here's a tip: Learn how to play the pan flute.

I'm the whistleblower.

Subway Games

New York is a busy place and its inhabitants are busy people. Instead of wasting time during their commute, they stay busy. What are they doing? Playing this game:

Every. Single. Person.

If it's not this exact game, it's some version of it. This is how all NYC commuters pass the time. Homeless people, children, parents, businessmen and businesswomen - everyone.

A New Olympic Event

Wife and I have been watching the Winter Olympics a lot lately, which has been a complicated process considering we don't have cable and TV antennae don't work well in a city of high buildings.

Olympic athletes are as diverse as their sports. Some Olympic events demand a life time of training in order for a participant to compete at the highest levels. Skiers and ice skaters in the Olympics have practiced for decades to hone their skills. Other events don't seem to require the same dedication. The skeleton and luge, for instance, seem to be events that anyone off the street could compete in. In the words of the great Jerry Seinfeld:

"The luge is the only Olympic event where you could have people competing in it against their will, and it would look exactly the same. Take people off the street, 'Hey, hey, hey, what is this?! I don't wanna be in the luge!' Once you put that helmet on them, 'You're in the luge, buddy!' 'aaaAAAaaaAAAaaaAAA...aaaAAAAA...' World record. Didn't even wanna do it. I'd like to see that next Olympics, the Involuntary Luge."

Furthermore, it doesn't seem like any special training goes into preparing for the luge. You just need to be a reasonably fit person that likes sledding and looks good in Lycra. 

Speaking of the sledding events, the skeleton is basically the luge where the person rolls over and goes backwards down the hill, right? Luge is feet forward, chest up. Skeleton is head forward, chest down. What about the other options?

I propose the following two new Olympic events:

Corpse - The "athlete" lies on the sled, chest up, head forward, and pulls himself down the hill by clawing at the sides of the track.

Sleep - The "athlete" lies on the sled, chest down, feet forward and someone pushes him down the hill.